Self-Compassion: Spiritual & Practical Practices for Being Kinder to Yourself with Kirat Randhawa
Updated: Nov 3, 2022
Three things we dive into in this episode:
How psychotherapy differs from contemplative practices (and how the two can complement each other)
The power of having compassion for yourself, how to cultivate it, and everything it heals in your life
How to create your personal practices in a more aligned way to create a deeper sense of overall wellness
Release restrictive dieting, break free from body shame, & create habits that help you live fully! Sign up for Caitie’s nutrition coaching program and community, Whole, Full, and Alive, and get a FREE 20 Minute Discovery Call!
[05:53] Who Is Kirat Randhawa?
Kirat is a visionary. She is drawn by the creative spirit.
Her moon is in Libra. It describes the balance around her and how it translates to her value system.
She has a close affinity for nuance and complexity.
Kirat is a contemplative guide and also currently a therapist-in-training.
She works at a youth clinic, hosts group workshops, and creates written content for brand partnerships.
[08:38] The Difference Between a Contemplative Guide and a Psychotherapist
Meditative philosophy and everyday life don’t have to be separate.
A contemplative guide is rooted in spiritual tradition. It is a good tool for unpacking developmental trauma and unprocessed pain.
Psychotherapy is beneficial for its emphasis and training on diagnosis, traumatic imprint, and clinical methods.
A therapist will help you make meaning of your experience.
A contemplative guide will remind you there’s no need to make meaning of everything. Finding meaning can be a source of suffering itself.
[11:10] Bridging the Gap Between Contemplative Practices and Psychotherapy
Kirat has had the privilege of working with therapists in the clinical realm and Buddhist mentors in the contemplative realm.
The experience has given her a rich understanding of how to facilitate both for somebody else through one session.
The two realms’ collaboration holds a developmental understanding of who you are as an individual and the philosophical imprints of your past lives.
The goal of the contemplative realm is liberation.
The goal of the developmental route is to feel more joyful and fulfilled.
Feeling more joyful and fulfilled is the pathway to liberating yourself from suffering.
[15:22] Deciding to Combine the Two Realms
From the Buddhist perspective, any story is suffering. Meanwhile, therapy is about rewriting a life narrative you’re proud of.
Kirat has seen both environments neglecting the other side. But she believes both are essential to feeling well.
The spiritual community fosters the conscious decision to negate the real mechanism of what it means to be human.
It’s important to acknowledge the material aspect — or the biology and neurochemistry — of trauma.
Kirat: “To be truly spiritual is to embrace your humanity, and to embrace your humanity is what it means to enhance spiritual growth—and you can't have one without the other.” - Click Here To Tweet This
[19:56] Acknowledging the Usefulness of Both Sides
If it’s not useful, then you don’t need to be doing it.
People often get attached to the means of achieving their goals rather than letting the path take them there.
The rhetoric around mindfulness and spirituality creates the narrative for people that it is the only means to be well.
Engaging in wellness methods when you have no idea what they do is counterproductive.
You’ll know something is helping when it’s making you feel better. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter.
Kirat: “There's a lot of hesitation around being honest and taking a sovereign stance over our wellness journey. But that's the only way that we can all individually experience what it means to be well.” - Click Here To Tweet This
[24:01] The Biggest Challenges Kirat has Overcome in Her Journey
She’s constantly working through rejecting psychotherapy only for spirituality to become a more sophisticated form of suffering.
Falling into the traps of a solely spiritual experience herself is the primary reason she feels vigilant about how she teaches.
She has to constantly permit herself to be flexible in what it means for her to be well.
The Buddhist tradition is a religion with a dogma - a definite authoritative tenet. The prescribed Buddhist method for practice didn’t work for Kirat without the combination of nuanced, precision care.
Both practices have a part to play in processing human suffering. One method alone will not be adequate in making sense of it.
[29:49] How Kirat Decided to Become a Psychotherapist and Work with Adolescents
Kirat used to work in fashion in London. She loved her experience in the industry, but it distorted her idea of beauty and led her to a period of self-aggression.
She fell into the Buddhist practice effortlessly as she was leaving the industry.
Working in the wellness and creative spaces allowed her to understand how much benefit these practices can offer in highlighting what needed to be processed.
She felt compelled to create access around contemplative traditions. But she thought she didn’t have enough tools to teach about what was coming up in the practice.
She decided to get a second undergraduate degree in psychology. Along the way, her continued community work led her to focus on adolescent communities.
[35:43] Walking People through Contemplative Practices as an Up-and-Coming Psychotherapist
The meditation component and contemplative practice component allow people to develop intimacy with themselves.
When people experience that intimate relationship with themselves, they can begin to identify the texture of their experience.
It allows different tools and skills to unpack, navigate, and digest what’s coming up.
Kirat’s primary intention with whomever she works with is to meet them where they are.
The modalities for different individuals and specific populations differ. Listen to the full episode to learn more!
[41:35] Weaving Self-Compassion in Psychotherapy and Contemplative Practices
Self-compassion is the North Star of being well for Kirat.
Being in harmony with yourself has nothing to do with external persona.
Self-compassion is the ability to hold yourself in affection no matter the circumstance, like how a loving mother would.
Accepting that making mistakes is inevitable has given Kirat permission to feel more freedom and cultivate radical care.
The Buddhist tradition says that every single human being is perfect as they are. The psychological realm shows that things can adjust to reflect this.
Kirat: “Both perspectives offer an understanding of compassion. The Buddhist saying, ‘It's already there. You don't have to cultivate it.’ And the therapeutic setting saying, ‘Okay, but here are the steps to get in touch with what's already there.’ That's kind of the way it comes into play.” - Click Here To Tweet This
[47:58] How Kirat Navigates Her Relationship with Social Media
Not knowing how to do things she doesn’t want to do is a gift and curse for Kirat.
She has no interest in trying to attain an idea of what she’s supposed to be on social media.
She measures her work based on (a) whether she can trust herself to offer adequate competent care and (b) if the community can trust her to do that.
Being clear about why she’s doing this work is what helps distance herself from social media metrics.
[53:20] Kirat’s Morning and Bedtime Routines
She loves drinking a matcha latte upon waking up in the morning.
It brings her joy to be part of the community of the Turkish cafe near where she lives.
Before teaching, she pulls a tarot spread for herself every morning. She asks, “What would being in my peaceful personal power look like today?”
For her bedtime routine, she takes baths before bed almost every day.
Before going to bed, she looks at the New York skyline from her window and contemplates for about 20 to 30 minutes.
[55:26] Processing Prompt and Actionable Experiment
What does standing in your peaceful personal power look like today?
What tools and actions can you take today to stand in your power and align with your values?
For your actionable experiment, give yourself space and time to contemplate in blank space at the end of the day.
The most underestimated experience in the modern world is being bored.
Kirat Randhawa is a meditation instructor and a contemplative guide inspired by the Buddhist tradition. She is the founder of A Kind Rupture, a methodology that utilizes exploratory and compassion-based practices to facilitate a gradual return to the self. She offers clients guidance in personal development and transformational practices to get in touch with a greater spiritual experience.
Kirat is also presently a psychotherapist-in-training and a graduate student at Columbia University. Through her experience and training, she aims to bridge the gap between contemplative training and the field of psychology. She wants to identify how these practices can be used as instruments for individual and societal change.
Connect with Kirat on her website, LinkedIn, or Instagram.
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Kirat Randhawa: I often find that feeling more fulfilled or feeling more joyful is the pathway to ultimately awakening, to liberate yourself from your suffering. So if we're not able to send to ourselves, offer ourselves a compassionate touch, take care of ourselves in the way necessary, which is what therapy helps us do, then it's not possible for us to even understand what lies beyond, just the life that we experienced now.
Caitie Corradino: Welcome to Whole, Full and Alive, a podcast exploring the art and science of falling in love with your life, with your story and with who you truly are underneath your titles, your resume, your relationship status, and your bank account. I'm Caitie Corradino, a registered dietician nutritionist, certified fitness and yoga instructor, eating disorder recovery coach, Reiki healer, and founder of Full Soul Nutrition, but underneath my titles and resume, a big fan of kitchen dance breaks, early mornings, all things chocolate truffles, world traveling and serendipity.
I'm here to share no bullshit stories and actionable tools to help you feel unshakably worthy. You have everything you need within you to feel whole, full and alive right here, right now. Let's get into it. Hey there, welcome back to another episode of Whole, Full and Alive. I am so grateful that you're here. I'm so excited that you came back for another episode or that you're here for your first episode, and I'm so excited for you to be introduced to today's guests, Kirat Randhawa.
Kirat is a contemplative guide inspired by the Buddhist tradition. To be a contemplative guide essentially means to be someone that helps people identify and get in touch with what's going on in their internal world, so helping people cultivate a sense of mindfulness and kind of noticing what's going on inside of them and start to detach from rumination and over identification and narratives that are playing out inside their head and sort of get in touch with a greater, wider spiritual existence.
At the same time, Kirat is a psychotherapist in training, which is different from being a contemplative guide. A contemplative guide is more of a spiritual guide and focusing more on practices like mindfulness meditation, and like I said before, it's inspired by Tibetan Buddhist traditions. Being a psychotherapist is more about making meaning of your life and understanding why you are the way you are and exploring very concrete sort of human things.
What's so amazing about Kirat is that she is looking to bridge the gap between these two worlds. She's looking to help people recognize the ways in which they can use contemplative practices that are inspired by Tibetan Buddhist traditions to identify what maybe needs to be worked on in psychotherapy.
She's helping people balance creating meaning from their life in things like psychotherapy, while also detaching from meaning and not over identifying with these things that they explore and come to understand about themselves in psychotherapy. She is just a fascinating human as she's training to become a psychotherapist. She's hoping to focus mostly on adolescents and young adults and also to focus specifically on eating disorders and her work, so super close to my heart.
She is such a great person to be connecting with on this show for that reason. I'm so excited for you to hear her speak more about how she came to recognize that there needed to be a gap bridge between contemplative practices and things like psychotherapy, and a little bit more about the specific practices that she implements in her life and how she has cultivated a sense of self compassion.
Self compassion is a big idea that we talk about very concretely in this interview. Yes, stick around for the whole thing. If this concept of contemplative practices sounds a little bit intimidating for you, I definitely encourage you to stick around because I think you're going to recognize that it isn't quite as complicated or perhaps as esoteric as it sounds. Also, Kirat does an incredible job of very openly, candidly and humbly explaining why she decided to ultimately bridge the gap between spiritual and developmental psychology.
So excited for her to be here on this show today, and without any further ado, I would like to introduce you to Kirat Randhawa. I am so excited to be here on a Monday morning drinking my coffee with Kirat Randhawa. Kirat, thank you so much for being here today.
Kirat: Thank you so much, Caitie, for having me on. I really appreciate it.
Caitie: So my first question for all of my guests is who are you. I really want to hear about what you do in the world, the work you do, the things you create, and I also really want to hear about who you are, what makes you who you are, what do you value, what lights you up beyond your titles and your resume. Who are you?
Kirat: What a question. Who am I? The first thing that came to mind was a visionary. I feel like I love to daydream, and I have so many ideas. I am really drawn by the creative spirit, and I think, I mean, you notice whether it's making my cup of tea, or whether it's organizing my space, or the work that I do. For me, it is all very ritualistic, and it comes from a desire to organize things in the most harmoniously beautiful way possible.
I think that explains how my moon is in Libra, which describes just the balance that I see all around me and objects, and it translates really well into my value system too. I think I would consider myself very fair. I like to make sure that things feel fair and just and balanced. So I think that's given me a really close affinity with nuance. So whether it's in my social relationships, or whether it's with work, I really like complexity.
I like reading. I love writing. I love speaking with people, and I just love any arena where we can explore things that are complex.
Caitie: I am the queen of nuance. I love nuance. I love when we can make things a little bit more gray area, a little bit less polarized, and I believe that you do such a beautiful job with that in everything that you do. Like you're saying the nuances of making your cup of tea in the morning, the nuances of speaking with a friend and living your life and breaking things down and not taking things at face value, I think, is such a beautiful gift. What do you do in the world? What do you create?
Kirat: So I am a contemplative guide, which basically just means that in all facets of my work, I help people navigate their inner experience with more ease, so it's sort of like a guide to explore your psyche. So I'm really comfortable with the underworld and all things unconscious, and I really like to go deep with people. So I am currently training to be a therapist, and I work right now as a contemplative guide for one on one clients.
I also work at a youth clinic with adolescents and young adults, and also host group workshops and create a lot of written content for the different brand partnerships I have to bridge the gap between meditative philosophy and just what it means to live everyday, really to show people that the two don't have to be so separate. Meditative philosophy doesn't have to be so intimidating or so isolating.
In fact, it's just an adjustment of how we are with each moment as it is. So that's kind of the essence of the work I do.
Caitie: What's the difference between a contemplative guide and a therapist? So as someone who helps people explore their inner experience and kind of make peace with it, how does that work differ from, I guess, let's say psychotherapy or being a therapist?
Kirat: I think that's a brilliant question. So I think a contemplative guide is rooted in spiritual tradition. So first and foremost, it's really clear to me who I'm unable to work with through this lens. So if it’s unpacking developmental trauma, if it's working with a lot of unprocessed pain, that is disrupting one's flow day to day. A contemplative guide might be a good asset or tool, but it should not be the primary destination for support.
I think that's why psychotherapy is particularly beneficial, given their emphasis and training on diagnosis on a lot of traumatic imprint and a lot of the clinical ways that we can begin to explore on patlak and digest really challenging experiences. A contemplative guide, I think, can be useful to absolutely anybody, but I think whether it's a destination or simply just a stop on the way really depends on each individual's goals.
So the contemplative perspective holds both this idea of wanting to be well, but also at the same time has an interest in releasing the need to be anything at all, which is very philosophical. So the easiest way that I could really make the distinction between the two is that a therapist will help you make meaning of your experience, and a contemplative guide will remind you that there's no need to make meaning of everything.
The attachment and needing to make meaning can be a source of suffering in and of itself. So that's sort of the clearest distinction.
Caitie: Wow, that's beautiful. So you are a contemplative guide currently working with a lot of people in that aspect, but you're also a psychotherapist in training. So when you become a psychotherapist, how do you combine those two things? I mean, I'm sure you're planning to combine some of your practices as a contemplative guide into your practices as a psychotherapist.
So yeah, how do you hold space for those two things to be true at the same time that you can make meaning of your experiences, and then at the same time making meaning of your experiences and over identifying is a source of suffering? Yeah, that's very beautiful. Yeah, how do you intend to do that together?
Kirat: It's in fact, and I think, I've had the privilege of working for so many years now with my psychotherapist and different therapists. I've had her very much in the clinical realm, and then also, my Buddhist mentors and teachers who are very much in the contemplative realm. So on any given week, I might have a session with a therapist and my greatest mentor.
So I'm, in real time, experiencing the gift of both perspectives, and then, I have the role just as the consultant, the individual to merge the two together. So that's given me a rich understanding of how I could facilitate that for somebody else, but just through one session. so rather than somebody seeing two separate individuals, how can I bridge the gap between the two.
The collaboration of the clinical realm with a contemplative realm really has this ability to hold both the developmental understanding of how you came to be who you are and what you're experiencing today as an individual, and simultaneously, what are the imprints that you might have inherited from. This is where it can get really philosophical from past lives, from different arenas of life that are now coming into play to what has happened to you in this life.
So the contemplative realm is connected to the goal of liberation, of awakening, whereas the developmental route is connected to the goal of feeling more fulfilled, or just feeling more joyful day to day and feeling like you can really navigate life in an easier way. So I often find that feeling more fulfilled or feeling more joyful is the pathway to ultimately awakening, to liberate yourself from your suffering.
So if we're not able to send to ourselves, offer ourselves that compassionate touch, take care of ourselves in the way necessary, which is what therapy helps us do, then it's not possible for us to even understand what lies beyond, just the life that we experience now. So that's where it can get very philosophical. On any given day, I'm, of course, not speaking about liberation with a client, but what I'm holding as a placeholder for that is their potential to be anything that they want to be. That's what's always present in the therapeutic dynamic from the contemplative lens.
Caitie: So what inspired you to ultimately kind of have your hands in both? Have you seen a lot of people who are skipping over the developmental side, skipping over the psychotherapeutic realm, and kind of trying to just dive into the contemplative, stuff dive into more of the, yeah, just feeling free of an identity sort of thing, and then vice versa? I can speak for myself even.
I feel like for a long time, I was stuck sort of just in psychotherapy, and kind of over complicating the meaning of my life in some ways and over identifying with the story at some point and recognizing that I needed to add something in like mindfulness meditation, something that had an aspect of spirituality that allowed me to sort of break free from an identity a little bit and break free from the stories now that I understood them.
So I'm curious if that's a similar experience for you. Have you seen that there's a need for people to have both? Is that how you decided to combine them?
Kirat: Exactly, and I really appreciate you sharing your experience, because I've had something very similar myself. From the Buddhist perspective, any story is still suffering. Even if it's a positive story, you're still attached to something that isn't your true experience, which is very different in therapy, when it's about rewriting and crafting a life narrative that you're proud of.
But the contemplative tradition would argue that any narrative is still distancing yourself from the truth of your experience and getting in the way of you ultimately feeling. So I think that from my experience, I've seen a lot of both, a lot of both environments neglecting the other side, and I think both sides of the coin are essential to feeling well. I think the most harm that I've seen though is within the spiritual community, where there's been a unconscious, perhaps even conscious decision, to negate the very real mechanisms of what it means to be human.
The actual genuine expression of human suffering, whether it's something that has happened to people in childhood or just the experience that we've had now and COVID, losing security of having the world quite literally fall apart, of not being able to rely on the structures that we once relied on for some semblance of support and stability.
I think we can collectively see in the past couple of years the way that spiritual communities have stepped in and try to bypass the very real suffering of millions of people across the globe of not having financial security, of not being able to take care of their family, of not having adequate care to restore their health and at the cost of that, potentially having to compromise their life, not even just the quality.
But now, we've seen the rise in numbers of people who didn't have access to care, whether it was in this moment or moments before. I think where the spiritual community has gone haywire is that they have forgotten how important it is to use the material of what it means to be human as a pathway to spiritual growth and development. It's not separate. It's not that if you are having read traumatizing memories, you're not meditating hard enough.
It's that your nervous system has been constructed to perceive the world in a certain way, and it's not that you're not thinking positively enough and that's why you keep receiving threat. It's because your body thinks as though you're in a war zone. It's really important to acknowledge the material aspect of trauma, the biology, the neuro chemistry, what's actually going on just underneath emotions, and thoughts.
I think the surface level experience that a lot of spiritual communities tend to stay on, which is ironic, because to be truly spiritual is to embrace your humanity, and to embrace your humanity is what it means to enhance spiritual growth. You can't have one without the other.
Caitie: You're onto something so brilliant here. I actually didn't expect to be talking to you about this exactly. I mean, that's some ideas I wanted to talk to you about. But I'm so fascinated by what you're sharing here, because I see a need for this in so many different areas of life. Even in nutrition, there's a need to sort of bridge the gap between these sort of rigid diet protocols, and then this food freedom sort of world where people aren't able to acknowledge any sort of structure and nutrition anymore and feel like they're sort of on a freefall.
They see this coming up in what you're saying too, and that also, of course, there's a lot of polarity just in politics and in science and in so many different areas right now. I feel like what you're saying right now can be applied to so much so I'm excited that we're talking about it because it's just this idea of nuance in general and acknowledging the beauty and the usefulness of both sides and not negating either one but saying we have to bridge. Like, we have to be able to acknowledge what's useful in both of these areas.
Kirat: That's the key word, useful. If it's not useful, then we don't need to be doing it. I've had a lot of clients come to me who deserve to have access to really supportive mental health care, and for whatever reason, haven't been able to receive that kind of support. So they turned to meditation apps or they turned to meditation videos at the gateway to at least offer themselves some semblance of comfort or relief.
I've experienced this enough times to know that people have become attached to the means of achieving their goals, rather than committing to their goals and letting the path take them there in their own time, in their own way. What I mean by that is because of this rhetoric that we see all around us with mindfulness and spirituality and what it means to meditate and be healthy and be well, so many people think that if they're not meditating, that they won't be able to achieve the kind of goal state that they're looking for.
So people grasp on to these methodologies, because they think that this is what it means to be well. But what I'm really focused on is inviting people to lift their hands and ask, is this useful? Is your meditation practice allowing you to feel more spacious, more present, more aware of the nuances of your experience? Or is it actually strengthening the egos dominance over you?
Is it actually strengthening these maladaptive tendencies because you're accidentally fixating that on them in meditation practice? So because we haven't, in the West, had the structures that the East had at one point of facilitating skill for practice, having a teacher constantly check in, evaluate your practice, which is the missing link, someone to look and say, no, you're doing it wrong. People have no idea what seeds they're planting.
They think, well, I'm going to do this for 10 minutes a day, and I should get better. But if you're ruminating for 10 minutes a day, you're just planting seeds of rumination. If you're getting re-traumatized for 10 minutes a day, that's the only thing you're strengthening. You're actually not strengthening a new neural pathway.
Kirat: So that's why the word useful, I think, is so key because people know if something is helping because they feel better. If they don't, then it doesn't matter if meditation isn't working. It's not helping you, and that's okay. But because we have been told that this is the way to feel well, there's a lot of hesitation around being honest, and taking a sovereign stance over our wellness journey. But that's the only way that we can all individually experience what it means to be well.
Caitie: Oh, my God, that's so good. That's so good. I feel like I have a lot of clarity now around why you are a contemplative guide and not a meditation teacher, for example, because I was wondering that because I was like, doesn't Kirat just teach people how to meditate? Like, isn't she just a meditation teacher? Like, doesn't she just used to teach classes that mindful or whatever?
This makes so much more sense because you are helping people navigate their inward experience and making sure that they are contemplating things that are useful, and that they are going to a useful place when they do go inward. It's not just that you're teaching them how to breathe and how to sit there. It's like when you breathe and sit there, what is coming up for you? Are you going to a useful place when you go inside?
Yeah, very cool. So can you speak to any challenges that you've overcome in your own journey when you're trying to practice mindfulness and wellness? How you recognize that you needed to bridge this gap between – sorry, what were the terms we were using here? We were saying there's like the psychotherapeutic developmental realm, and then the contemplative spiritual realm.
Kirat: Yeah, I think that my biggest challenge, which I'm always working through, is this, I think where I switched when I left, like a more clinical understanding of just my own experience, so when I started really entering into the Buddhist realm and reading and studying and finding places to practice is that that became a new obsession. I think that the rejection initially of psychotherapy, and clinging on to spirituality became a more sophisticated form of suffering, it feels suffering, but it was just packaged in a much more beautiful way.
So it was easier for me to convince myself that I was on the right path, and that I was still really doing what was necessary for me to do to feel well, and I think, one main reason why I'm vigilant about the way that I teach and how I speak about what I teach is because of my own experience of falling into the traps of spiritual practice, when you relate to these practices in an unconscious way.
Where I think my biggest challenge has been to, time and time again, give myself permission to be flexible in what it means for me to be well, because therapy has its own understanding of what it means to me to be well, and the Buddhist tradition definitely does. I mean, first and foremost, this is a religion, not a philosophical school of thought as it's often communicated. In the West, it's a full on religion.